She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
