I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
