I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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