I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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