ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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