Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
