bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
