i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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