i always forget guys have bellybuttons
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
