I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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