Cold hands, warm shart.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
