i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
