I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
