I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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