Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I lost the right to judge tonight
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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