I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
