I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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