I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
