im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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