saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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