i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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