Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
