And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
