can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
