She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
