so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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