He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
