so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
