We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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