I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
