I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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