Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
