he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
