who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
