I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
