I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
