I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
