i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
