I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
