I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
