I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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