my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
