I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
