I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
