Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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