I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
