I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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