Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
