if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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