Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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