did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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