nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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