i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
